Intro to My Journey
Since October 2024 I've been involved in 3 foot pursuits, 2 car chases, 1 minor car accident, 1 major car accident, 2 hospital visits, 1 hospital escape, and multiple hitchhiking adventures. I've been back to jail, had 2 relapses, and I literally froze under a bridge. I was tackled and had cops with guns out screaming at me to get down on the frozen concrete. This and so much more. Actions of a desperate and foolish man who was spiraling. A choice I made alone.
I ended up in Spokane, WA with nothing but some clothes and 5 bucks on a jail card, where I discovered for the first time that there's something liberating about having nothing at all. After grinding to get an ID, medical, my birth certificate, and a copy of my diploma, I was offered a job. But... I said no. And when I was told I could move into a house? I turned it down. I don't believe that something, whatever it may be, let me survive that crash just so I can get another job, save money, buy a house, then die. This thought of such a hopeless and unadveturous future will lead me to further destruction, because really, I'm terrified to grow old and grey, only to look back on how I had lived, then regret it. That's the fear filled path that I was on until fate stepped in.
So I lost everything. I lost my job, my house, my car, my freedom, and the worst of it all, the love of my life hates me man.
It all started with "Just one", but after it all... I have only one thing to say.... "worth it bro". I want none of it back.
Ya see I literally ate my windshield at 80mph (so say the cops. I can't actually remember) just so I could see that "something" let me walk away. In fact I ran away. But I never was able to outrun a desire to find something raw, real, and beautiful. Though at times tragic.
I ended up in Spokane, WA with nothing but some clothes and 5 bucks on a jail card, where I discovered for the first time that there's something liberating about having nothing at all. After grinding to get an ID, medical, my birth certificate, and a copy of my diploma, I was offered a job. But... I said no. And when I was told I could move into a house? I turned it down. I don't believe that something, whatever it may be, let me survive that crash just so I can get another job, save money, buy a house, then die. This thought of such a hopeless and unadveturous future will lead me to further destruction, because really, I'm terrified to grow old and grey, only to look back on how I had lived, then regret it. That's the fear filled path that I was on until fate stepped in.
Now I see that something allowed me to live even though I've been such a huge disappointment in the eyes of the heavens. something let me live to experience a cold plunge, butt ass naked, in the icy rivers of the Pacific Northwest, something allowed my heart to keep beating so I could be accepted by a group of poets and musicians, something allowed me to keep my breath so I could discover a ton of true friendship, I now even started kicking it with Buddhists. What the hell right? I know..... but I want more!
Though I deserve nothing.... something has allowed me survive all the chaos I have caused throughout my life.
So now I've decided to try learning this whole life thing with nothing. This is my attempt to finally gain some humility when all else has failed. I've abandoned the chase for money to dive into the volunteering community and my own spiritual journey. I need to step away from me and the worldly bullshit I seem to put above everything else. I'm too self absorbed man and it leads me to drink and get high. It's been killing me and I'm tired of being so selfish all the time. There's got to be something more.
There's a whole world out there with amazing cultures, beautiful languages, and people who live differently than I do, but I've been too drunk, high, and self pitied to chase it.
Now something has given me a chance to go out and see this world and I intend to jump at this chance. I pray to whatever God may be bored enough to hear me that if I can help as many people as I can along the way it'll free me from myself and towards seeing the true beauty of a possible creator and the masterpiece of life first hand. I know its me that leads me to drink and get high. Every time it's me.
People say I'm crazy, and honestly, I can see their point. But I'm not fucking crazy. I've just been looking for something which has always evaded my discovery, and its caused me great depression. I have a dream, and though I've caused immense levels of mayhem in my life, I still believe in myself and I think the scars on my chin prove something else believes in me too because I should be dead. Or at least hurt. But I'm free.
All the chaos I've seen has been a miracle in disguise, at least for me, because now I feel my chains breaking loose from an illusion of my own creating. This is all thanks to something. It has to be. Something let me live so I may discover what it means to be free, and maybe, just maybe, find a little bit of me.
I desire to find out who or what this something is if anything.
I'll end with these quotes from various faiths.
Proverbs 13:12 states, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”.
The Hindus say "Where there is love there is hope, and where there is hope there is pain"
But the Muslims say "Life is about hope, pain, and reward. Live with the first, bear the second, so we can deserve the third".
The buddha says "Hope lives in those who believe in it".
I'm thankful that I still believe in hope, if only at times, even with my many relapses, failures, and hurts. I'm thankful something allowed my dumbass to utterly destroy myself or it is quite likely I may have never truly lived.
I want to see if I can live, and I'd like to share the journey with whoever may care.
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