My Life Is Like a Ceiling

So I was staring at a ceiling recently and I realized my life's a lot like a ceiling. It's there, but I never really pay attention to it. It's not until I stopped, laid down, and looked at it that I noticed all the tiny cracks, mismatched paint splotches, and started imaging little faces in the shapes.

It's when I look at things differently that I realized life is beautiful and can be so full!

People tell me that where ever I run, there I am, and I get their point. I do. But who says I'm running away? Why can't it be that I'm running towards something? I want freedom over comfort. I want to look in the mirror and not hate the man looking back at me.

I've been selfish, I've been rude, self absorbed, lazy, unwilling to change, and too unwilling to find a sense of peace from just myself. I've allowed addiction to be my escape and I've excused my own actions while simultaneously refusing others the same grace.

I want to change, like a caterpillar turning into a Butterfly, and break away from the endless thought cycle of me, me, me.

I went to a Buddhist temple yesterday and was taught "Arinomama no anata o kangei shimasu" which means "I respect you as you are". I believe this is wonderful! I want to respect all for who they are and stop being so judgemental. I want to know why I've hated myself so much and for so long that I've had to judge others to feel better about me. Fuck that shit dude. My self hatred is a terrible excuse to judge others, even if silently. It's poison in the mind man.

In all honesty... I'm probably going to die attempting this journey. I understand that. I'll probably freeze to death, or get hit by a car, or get picked up by a psycho while hitching. But as for right now, I'd rather die then survive a life that's not worth living. 

-Butterfly