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Pondering of my motives and the path ahead

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I wonder if my motives are pure. Am I an authentic man or only a poser? Today I could be at work then back to a new home, but I said no to both work and to a home.  Now as I sit here, in the shelter, I consider what comes next when my shelter bed is up. Do I attempt Seattle to the west, or do I venture towards warmer climates? Will I even survive? I'm likely to freeze to death if I don't get picked up while hitchhiking. It was 2 degrees this morning after all, and even if I do get picked up it's possible I get murdered. Though I'd fight back if able.  Am I truly running towards something greater? Am I certain my motives are sincere? Do I actually believe I'll find a sense of purpose and self discovery by rejecting societal expectations of me?  Part of me thinks I'm just running away. As much as I deny it I am still heart broken by losing the love of my life and the discovery she was only lying to me the entire time.  This whole "mission" ma...
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My Life Is Like a Ceiling

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So I was staring at a ceiling recently and I realized my life's a lot like a ceiling. It's there, but I never really pay attention to it. It's not until I stopped, laid down, and looked at it that I noticed all the tiny cracks, mismatched paint splotches, and started imaging little faces in the shapes. It's when I look at things differently that I realized life is beautiful and can be so full! People tell me that where ever I run, there I am, and I get their point. I do. But who says I'm running away? Why can't it be that I'm running towards something? I want freedom over comfort. I want to look in the mirror and not hate the man looking back at me. I've been selfish, I've been rude, self absorbed, lazy, unwilling to change, and too unwilling to find a sense of peace from just myself. I've allowed addiction to be my escape and I've excused my own actions while simultaneously refusing others the same grace. I want to change, like a caterpillar...
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"Rejoice for the Grey" (A poem)

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How could you grow from an imp To a Saint? If you hadn't the time To learn how to Give thanks. If you hadn't the time To rationalize  Sympathize  Realize Or think. How could you rise from the darkness  To light If you hadn't the time  To crawl out of your flesh? If you hadn't the time  To live  Love  Or confess? Things do seem hard But it's been harder before. One must fight onward  To learn how to soar. One must know fire To understand ice. And one must learn harshly To teach sacrifice. For a life that's worth living One must live for each day. Be glad for the in-between. Rejoice for the Grey. The misery and sufferings  Will all one day cease. When time is all over  And dread starts to leave, You'll long for the moments That you got to breathe. So embrace all the darkness  And reach for the stars. Give thanks for the madness  The weird, And bizarre. It makes you  Who you are, And you're hard to regret. And you...
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Intro to My Journey

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Hello. My friends call me Butterfly.  Since October 2024 I've been involved in 3 foot pursuits, 2 car chases, 1 minor car accident, 1 major car accident, 2 hospital visits, 1 hospital escape, and multiple hitchhiking adventures. I've been back to jail, had 2 relapses, and I literally froze under a bridge. I was tackled and had cops with guns out screaming at me to get down on the frozen concrete. This and so much more. Actions of a desperate and foolish man who was spiraling. A choice I made alone.  So I lost everything. I lost my job, my house, my car, my freedom, and the worst of it all, the love of my life hates me man. It all started with "Just one", but after it all... I have only one thing to say.... "worth it bro". I want none of it back.  Ya see I literally ate my windshield at 80mph (so say the cops. I can't actually remember) just so I could see that "something" let me walk away. In fact I ran away. But I never was able to...
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