Pondering of my motives and the path ahead


I wonder if my motives are pure. Am I an authentic man or only a poser? Today I could be at work then back to a new home, but I said no to both work and to a home. 

Now as I sit here, in the shelter, I consider what comes next when my shelter bed is up. Do I attempt Seattle to the west, or do I venture towards warmer climates? Will I even survive? I'm likely to freeze to death if I don't get picked up while hitchhiking. It was 2 degrees this morning after all, and even if I do get picked up it's possible I get murdered. Though I'd fight back if able. 

Am I truly running towards something greater? Am I certain my motives are sincere? Do I actually believe I'll find a sense of purpose and self discovery by rejecting societal expectations of me? 

Part of me thinks I'm just running away. As much as I deny it I am still heart broken by losing the love of my life and the discovery she was only lying to me the entire time. 
This whole "mission" may just be my way of saying "man.... fuck that noise. I don't need anything to be happy".

I wonder if I desire to see myself for who I truly am finally, or if I just want to be seen. 
Must all my actions be based on the opinions of others? Will I always be like this or will I maybe make it?
Is it possible I'll actually survive jumping into the unknown to maybe rise up a stronger man on the other side? 

I want to give up at times, but as I have nothing already... the only way to actually quit is to kill myself. 
I refuse to go out like that, and besides, I want to live. I so badly want to see the world and break away from the shackles the life puts on us. It's like one giant tease. Like the world is say "Oh look how beautiful and amazing I am. Look at the cultures, the land, the people and other animals!" 
While at the same time the world laughs and says "But wait.... you don't have enough money to see me! Even if you did you wouldn't have the time to experience me". 
Well I DO have time!
I do want to live. 
But live for what?
Only time will tell.

-Butterfly 

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